4:30 at night, the dog yelps so mercilessly, and nobody moves, nobody does anything.
snort, I get up, crack a cold. I open the kitchen door and she comes up to me wagging his tail, but strewn with vomit all over the floor. I worry. The caress, she goes to sleep on the couch, I go back to bed with the smell of vomit in my nostrils. Poor thing. even she is not feeling well.
two hours later. courage, Alessia, it's time to get up. no, not now, do not you remember that today we enter an hour later? let me sleep ancora un pochino, te ne prego...
galleggio tra i deliranti sogni della mattina, penso ad oggi che se sarò brava riuscirò a saltare il pranzo senza che i miei se ne accorgano.
passano trenta minuti, mi alzo da quel letto, mi vesto. infilo i pantacollant neri, la gonna nuova, grigia di lana con i pom-pom. rimiro le mie gambone nello specchio. per un'attimo, la loro vista non mi da fastidio.
colazione: un vasetto di joghurt magro mangiato quasi per intero, un biscotto oro saiwa gettato nel cesso anzichè in bocca. tanto, non è che cambi molto.
esco. freddo.
scuola. noia.
mi consegnano la prova di tedesco: 4.
lacrime.
un taglio consumato inginocchiata contro il calorifero del bagno, looking at the empty corridor and felt a prick.
I can not tell my mother the bad grade.
I can not justify in any way.
13.10. I go out in the air that tastes like clouds.
want to go home to walk to burn calories, but unfortunately my father came to get me in the car. In the afternoon we visit the dietician.
takes me home and I says, "go up and eat! I'll wait. "
go up, do not eat.
go down.
the trick failed. he knows that I have not had lunch. gliel'hanno said.
scream.
I put in the car, still screaming, I do not want to eat you know. go to Trento, rather, that we're late.
during the trip, My father told me so many bad things. offends me, curses me.
anger oozes from every pore, almost mad, almost hatred.
his words as I pass over steam, they lose texture, fade away. I think of something else.
hate me as well, which I deserve.
15 hours. by the dietitian.
a nice lady.
even laugh, is kind.
tells me that, even if not definitively, I have a diagnosis.
finally a diagnosis. to be confirmed, perhaps to deny, to clarify, but ...
ANOREXIA
here we are, told me.
told me.
-but I ... I'm not anorexic-I hear my voice that says - I'm not quite ... magra! io ho il cuore normale! io non ho mai avuto un calo di zuccheri in...in tutta la vita! no, non sono magra, e poi io MANGIO, io MANGIO! e la ciccia, dove la mettiamo la ciccia, guarda- gemo, dandomi una pacca sulle cosce - guarda quanto grassa sono...io non sono anoressica, sono solo una bambina viziata...-
piango. da dove mi sono uscite queste parole?
non speravo forse che mi dicessero che sono anoressica?
non lo speravo?
perchè allora non riesco a capacitarmene? perchè, diamine?
la dietologa mi guarda.
mi dice che l'anoressia sta dentro, non fuori.
mi dice che sono state diagnosticate anoressiche anche ragazze più "robuste" di me.
ma io non credo. io ho paura. ho fear of food and the future.
I also fear her, she is so good and gentle, yet so bad .... she will certainly make me gain weight.
is not true at all that weight 43 pounds. 44 weight.
44, sure. too.
greeting, exiting.
I'm so scared.
in the waiting room, a girl with black hair I tip my eyes on him for a brief moment. I spy. I lit a strange feeling in my heart.
is lean, but not excessively, I think. or maybe I just can no longer classify the faces.
be thinner or fatter than me? and that other girl that comes out now, which salutes the "my" dietician and "my" neurologist familiar with, like someone who knows someone in a long time, and walk with your toes inwards? is thinner or fatter than me, that?
who knows if they, too, looking sideways at me thinking the same thing.
I go with the photographs of their bodies in the eye. and strangely I do not remember their faces.
300 calories at dinner of soup, but are also good, so I close the day with less than 400.
me feel like shit.
me feel weird.
I feel ... fuck, I do not know how I feel.
tomorrow want to bring in pizza for the birthday of my mother. means that tomorrow I will overcome a thousand calories, for sure.
calm down a bit, Alessia, not thinking about tomorrow. today is already so duro, non angustiarti di più del necessario.
lascia che la notte ti ricopra con la sua nube nerogrigiastra.
e sogna di volare via.
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