the results of testing them I have the 20 ...
and meanwhile I do?
is too, too far ...
how to resist?
how to get to tomorrow?
e a dopodomani, senza perdermi e senza impazzire?
oggi chiudo la giornata con 700 enormi, strabordanti e confuse calorie...
a colazione, un tè con dolcificante e 3 biscotti secchi...
ho lasciato che l'autobus mi portasse una fermata dopo per poi farmi quella piccola porzione di tragitto a piedi...e poi dopo scuola mi sono fatta a piedi tutti i 4 chilometri del ritorno...
misero tentativo di attività fisica...poco più di 100 calorie consumate...
a pranzo, un piatto di riso al sugo di pomodoro.
l'ho mangiato fremendo, tentando di dominarmi, di farmi forza, ma appena finito di mangiare ho cominciato a piangere e a gridare e a sparare cattiverie contro i miei nonni...non riuscivo a smettere, l'angoscia I had invaded and did not know what to do ...
I was beside myself ...
cried, I cried. I filled with tears and handkerchiefs handkerchiefs.
then I got up and ran to take the laxative. double dose. for now I do not even seem to have taken it, I'm not bad, but hopefully well.
I sent messages to gust around, I felt suffocated, so terribly alone and lost ...
analysis are far away, reassuring environment of the center is far away, so I want to see those tables because, finally, I have a starting point, an acquaintance, a reassurance, it's all so far ...
and I'm so lonely ...
I'm afraid, I'm always afraid. fear of food and myself. fear of tomorrow. afraid because I do not know how much weight (44 kg? 44 and a half? 45?). fear uncertainty and restlessness because I browse and do not know what to do.
suffer.
really suffer.
I've gotten to dinner with fish and tomatoes, unseasoned with an apple ...
but this is not the point ...
quarrel with my mom tomorrow morning for breakfast ... and, at school, I'll be on the bench for the pain to contort the laxative I'll get, and I'll ask pleadingly to the teacher let me go to the bathroom ...
and lunch, I'll cry again.
as well as dinner.
cry forever.
and nobody will be there to help me.
sometimes I would almost I admitted to the hospital ... you're safe ... at the hospital ... there is a strong motivation and support for sure ...
but here I do not know if I'm not even trying to heal or if I'm going to go down into the maw of the monster, as he calls my mother ... the monster who has taken her child ... that her daughter has become. I understand your frustration, you can not kill him, this being, because doing so would kill me.
sometimes I really want to be patient and do not see these faces tense and this time they cry.
me and the monster, the monster and me. face to face.
ONLY.
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